Vile Victuals
by Quatermass
Summary: What was the secret of the Special Stuff? It's not something as mundane as mere cannibalism, at least of HUMAN meat. Hilary Briss reflects on the Special Stuff and the trouble it has caused as he flees the UK for the Caribbean, and how it links to Ghouls...


**FOREWORD**

_Welcome to what hopefully will be the first of two Halloween one-shots I am doing this year. This one comes from a two crossovers. Many familiar with my works will know I did a _Tokyo Ghoul_ crossover with _Black Lagoon_ for last year's one-shot, also sparking off two crossovers with the Potterverse. This one-shot is a crossover with _The League of Gentlemen_, not to be confused with Alan Moore's comic _The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen_ or the infamous film adaptation, but rather, a rather darkly comic BBC sitcom series set in an isolated Northern English town called Royston Vasey. It's basically like a British live-action version of _South Park_, complete with dark comedy and humour that often crosses the line into the offensive._

_This one-shot focuses on a specific character, Hilary Briss, a butcher who sells an illicit foodstuff (known as the Special Stuff) that is highly addictive. While the writers for the League have denounced cannibalism as a too-easy answer to the mystery behind the Special Stuff, well…I thought, why not do it as a _Tokyo Ghoul_ crossover?_

_Anyway, time for the usual disclaimers. Firstly, there will be spoilers for both _Tokyo Ghoul_ and _The League of Gentlemen_. _

_Secondly, there will be heavy annotations, as is usual for my works. You have been warned._

_Thirdly, this is an M-Rated work. There will be coarse language, violence, very dark themes, and sexual references. Again, you have been warned._

_Finally, the following is a fan-written work. _Tokyo Ghoul_ and _The League of Gentlemen_ are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Tubbs and Edward will burn you…_

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**VILE VICTUALS**

On the plane about to make its way towards the Caribbean, Hilary Briss had to admit, he felt somewhat bittersweet about leaving Royston Vasey. An isolated town in the north of England, it had been uncharitably but not wholly inaccurately described as an arse-end of a place. That made it an ideal place for him to settle.

He snickered to himself at the thought of the town's motto, placed on signs, including near that so-called 'Local Shop' which was actually pretty far away from the main town. The motto was 'You'll Never Leave', a motto intended to be cheerful, but given the grim nature of the town, it sounded like a threat. And yet, here he was, leaving.

To tell the truth, he was glad. He'd spent much of his life there, since childhood, since he was robbed of his parents by murderers who didn't know that, to find monsters, all they needed to do was look in the mirror. But this town was small and boring. And cold. He was heading to Jamaica. Maybe he could set up shop there.

He wondered what they'd think of Betsy. No doubt they'd think of her as being a bedwarmer. He snorted at the thought. Him, bed a cow? She was a pet, albeit one kept in a somewhat eccentric manner. The only way she was his bedwarmer was in the most literal manner.

Then again, he was something of an eccentric. It helped deflect attention away from his more dubious activities. He was sure many of his associates thought it had to do with the Special Stuff. He had to laugh. The Special Stuff was only part of it. That addictive little meat was a smokescreen in a way.

He was, in actual fact, a Ghoul.

Ghouls tended to congregate in urban areas rather than the countryside or small towns like this simply because it tended to be easier to find prey. After all, when you are an obligate cannibalistic subspecies of human, well, you needed to find meat where you could. Luckily, Hilary had contacts that allowed him to have meat shipped to him personally. He could also fake eating normal food, despite the fact that would make Ghouls vomit unless they were trained.

Not that it didn't stop him from occasionally preying upon the populace of Royston Vasey. He knew, for example, where those inbred idiots Tubbs and Edward buried the bodies they didn't burn, and he had a contact in the local hospital, a DJ who had a sideline in organ trafficking. Of course, actually killing someone was risky, despite the fact that Royston Vasey was filled with weirdoes and rather poor examples of humanity that wouldn't normally be missed. But Hilary learned the value of discretion long ago.

He knew, sooner or later, they would find some trace or another that would lead them to realise he was a Ghoul, and they would contact the CCG. He'd cleaned out his larder and left misdirections, and nobody actually knew what he was. All they knew was what went into the Special Stuff. Some would think it was human meat, but in fact, it was nothing of the sort.

It was Ghoul meat.

Hilary got the meat from contacts. To a Ghoul, Ghoul meat tasted disgusting. But, he once discovered, to a human…well, it was addictive, disturbingly so. Combined with a herbal blend of his devising, the Ghoul meat became the Special Stuff.

With this, he had ensnared many influential people within Royston Vasey, becoming a subtle power behind the throne. Not for any true power gain, he should hasten to add, but really, he found it amusing to find humans falling over themselves to consume what would normally consume them. Plus, he got a kick out of Ghouls being turned into food for humans.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

He was still pissed that Maurice Evans let that stupid wife of his use some of the Special Stuff, cutting it with her own paste and using it in sandwiches which she sold in her food stand. Hilary knew that mixing the Special Stuff with anything other than what he did was sure to cause problems, and now, Royston Vasey was the epicentre of an epidemic of lethal nosebleeds. Probably due to some interaction between RC Cells and whatever Eunice had in her paste, but still, most vexing.

Maurice was a fucking idiot, Hilary knew, but some of the blame was on Hilary's shoulders. He was the one who tried so hard to get Maurice to start eating the Special Stuff, hoping to get the timid magistrate under his thumb. That had backfired spectacularly, and now, Hilary was on the run.

Oh well, once he was done taking a break in the Caribbean, where to next? It was while musing this that a fellow passenger plonked down beside him. He was surprised to find what looked like a young woman, in her late teens at the oldest, Japanese, with a messy shock of green hair. However, it was the smell that surprised him. Not quite Ghoul, and not quite human, either.

She looked over to him, and smiled lazily. He wasn't fooled, though. Despite her age, she was a predator. "Hello there," she said, her English quite good. "What's your name?"

"Sam Kisgart," Hilary said(1).

"Oh? I'm Sen Takatsuki. Maybe you've heard of me?"

Of course he had. This was the famous author of works like _Dear Kafka_ and the like, a writer of horror and thriller stories with complex characters and tragic endings, for the most part. Even in Royston Vasey, she was known. And she was a Ghoul, he would wager…or something like it.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Takatsuki," Hilary said. "Are you on tour?"

"I'm taking a break from all that. Thought I'd see what's so good about Jamaica. Then, I'm heading to the US for a while, and then back home. In fact…Mr Kisgart, I think I could do with someone like you." She wrote down a phone number on a piece of paper, and then handed it to him. "Should you be in Tokyo, give me a call."

He took the number, a little bemused and confused. Still…it might be interesting, even if only in the cursed sense of the word. Especially as she may be a fellow Ghoul. Hmm…maybe being run out of Royston Vasey was the best thing for him…

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**THE END**

**ANNOTATIONS:**

**Firstly, this is NOT Eto/Hilary. Eto's like 17 or 18 here, and Hilary…well, I'd say he's at least in his late thirties if not his forties or fifties…to say nothing of his age in his profile on the DVD claiming it spans 'vast oceans of time' or something similar.**

**Secondly…Hilary Briss is a Ghoul…and he's going to be joining Aogiri Tree. Yep, it's Brown Trousers Time.**

**1\. Sam Kisgart is the name of the actor who plays the Unbound Master in the Big Finish audio dramas of ****_Doctor Who_****…which is an anagram for Mark Gatiss. Mark Gatiss not only played that Master, under a pseudonym, but also played Hilary Briss.**


End file.
